How long will it be you?
by tvdunlop
Summary: I own nothing. Post season 3. There are some things that become a part of who we are as people.  Hundreds of miles apart, something still draws them together...hints of addek...friendship, maybe more in the future.
1. How Can I be Missing You?

She's not so sure when missing him became so real. He's uncertain when her absence was more than just disappearance of another familiar face.

She sees him in the strangest moments, pictures him in situations with her that they never got to, the family home and kids. She misses him.

He sees her on their wedding day, remembers the vows and wonders now why she seems so far away.

LA

"Addison," Pete's voice startles her and she turns to see him looking at her with deep concern.

"Hi," she looks down at her papers not really seeing them, rustling through the various documents hoping she looks busy.

"You've been quiet for the last few weeks," he never presses her.

"I know," she doesn't say much else.

"How about I drive you home?" His voice is gentle and soothing

Suddenly that's easier than driving herself home, easier than missing him in the silence of a trip alone.

Seattle

Her high voice filters through his consciousness and he focuses on her blonde hair.

"Derek, are you ready?" she's so very different from the woman he married so many years ago. That's a good thing; he loves her and wants a life with her. She was just an intern not so long ago however, now she's newly a resident with interns to guide. He can't blame her for not wanting the life he's had planned for them. The problem is, he's been waiting so long.

LA

The drive is quiet on the way back to her house, Pete says little at all. When he finally pulls up he opens his mouth and she waits before she steps out.

"You can call him you know, it's allowed." His eyes show compassion and she feels ashamed.

"I miss him," looking down at her hands, "I can't believe I do."  
"Good night," he doesn't dwell on it, but merely smiles and then waits until she's inside.

Her cell phone with his number is in her pocket, pouring a glass of wine and listening to the ocean surf she steps out on the porch and dials his number.

Seattle/LA

He is unpacking the food they bought. She isn't ready for the life he wants, but food and casual sex seem fine. He's older, so much older. He can't push, otherwise it'll never work. His phone starts ringing and glancing at the caller ID he's taken by surprise.

"Addison," the sound of his voice brings tears to her eyes and she fights for her composure.

"Derek," it's just a single word and he's worried about her, so he asks her if she's okay.

"I'm fine," she wipes a tear from her cheek and takes a sip of her wine, "I just wanted to call you because I don't have Richard's number anymore and I wanted to see how he and Adele are doing," it's her easy way out.

"Sure hang on," he passes Meredith who glances at him distractedly.

"Who is it?" her voice is close to his ear, and he sighs inwardly, "it's not work, I'll be right back."  
Addison tries not to feel hurt when she hears his exchange with Meredith, pain shouldn't be a factor anyone, yet she just can't help it sometimes.

"Here it is," he's back and her throat tightens again.

He gives her the number and she pretends to scribble it down.

"Everything is okay though?" It almost sounds like he cares and she likes to pretend he does.

"It's different, but a good different."

"I'm glad to hear that, you didn't really say goodbye," he isn't angry, and oddly enough he isn't even that surprised.

"I'm sorry, I did to Richard, I just couldn't to everyone else. It was never…" her voice trails off.

"Never?" he waits.

"There was never a good time, it didn't feel right," she isn't making sense but her other sentence, that it was never a place she felt welcome and at home in wasn't a good answer.

"It's okay," he is smiling and she can almost see it in her mind.

"I have to go, dinner's almost ready," he isn't being mean, just stating facts and so she hesitates wondering how to say good bye.

He does it for her, "Bye Addi," the nickname strikes her core and she fights a sob as she quietly says good night.

Watching the 4 minute call time blink on her screen before it reverts to her home screen she curses her past and how weak she feels.

Derek hangs up and makes his way to Meredith's side.

"Everything okay?" she isn't really asking and he knows that a vague simple answer will suffice.

He finishes unpacking his mind still on Addison's voice, she sounded tired, overwhelmed and almost tearful. He stops mid-task frozen, that's what it was in her voice, tears. Without even thinking he's back in his office dialing her number.

Addison is pulled out of her steady wine drinking by her phone, she almost chokes as her eyes read "D", somehow she never changed that to Derek. Why is he calling her back? She can't even imagine and so she slowly picks up the phone and answers hello.


	2. Pictures Worth a Thousand or More Words

"Derek" she whispers it uncertainly.

"Why are you crying?" he can't help the sharpness

"I'm okay," hastily because she fears annoyance and judgment, maybe even resentment is embedded in that tone

"No, Addie, you're not," and just like that he knows her again

"I miss you," quiet, shameful and so very real.

"Yeah," he doesn't reciprocate, but she doesn't know if she wants that

"I want to stop missing you, how long?" Addison isn't someone who is usually this dramatic.

"How long?" He's confused.

"How long will it be you that is always there, I can't even move on with someone who adores me," she is annoyed about this and it's very clear.

Derek can either ask about the guy or focus on her and he manages to be the grown up, "I know it is hard Addie, but you and I have been finished for a while."  
Addison fights back a sob, "I know," and she does.

"Are you going to be okay?" He's still worried.  
"I'm going to go sleep," she throws back the rest of her wine wishing in her heart that it was something stronger.

"Easy on the wine" and she almost drops her glass.

"What, what did you say," she hates how she stammers

"Go easy on that bottle of wine," he repeats himself and she finds that she can't speak

"Good night Addie," he finally says breaking the stunned silence  
"Good night," and she closes her phone allowing her tears to flow.

"Derek?" Meredith's smiling face appears in his doorway and he wipes his face clean as he meets her smile with his own.

Meredith often wonders, and this is one of those times, how she found him. He is tall, handsome and perfectly toned, not to mention very talented. Lately it feels as though she's losing him and she doesn't want that. She's unclear about what the future holds, but one without him no longer seems plausible.

"Are you okay?" She focuses on his face which is now marred by concern.

"Dinner is going to be simple, stir fry" she says finally.

"Sure, I'll be right in to cook it up," and he means it. At his attentive response, she turns to go, but hesitates before leaving, "how's Addison?"

"She's fine, just overtired and stressed from settling in there," he lies so easily that she finds herself believing it. Maybe it's just because she wants to.

He turns off the desk light and follows her to the kitchen.

Addison puts the glass and bottle by the sink and makes her way up the steps. She may have thrown her rings in the Sound, but that doesn't mean all the memories have been drowned. The wedding pictures are still packed, in her closet under many boxes, but suddenly she needs to see one particular framed set, and so she frantically starts rooting through box after box. She starts crying again when she finds the elegant double picture frame. Staring at their faces, she has no idea how she could have been that happy. Derek is beaming and suddenly its ten years ago.

Flashback

"You looked stunning walking towards me," he is being so tender with her. They are both ambitious people and therefore although they are in love, they are also equals and they work like an efficient team. This means that sometimes, even in daily life, there's an edge and a rushed feeling to their lives. Addison knows this and sometimes despises it, but this is their day and it shows in his eyes and mannerisms that he feels the same way.

"You look very handsome yourself," she plants a gentle kiss on his lips.

"Get a room," Mark Sloan appears looking grossed out.

"Oh please," Derek grins at his best friend.

"You make a very striking couple," Mark speaks what they both are sometimes painfully aware of. At the hospital they sometimes turn the heads of patients as they walk step by step through the hallways. Their colleagues are jealous, jealous of Derek and Addison.

"Go away," Addison tells Mark jokingly and he actually concedes heading towards one of her bridesmaids. Addison groans and turns her eyes back to Derek.

"It's time for pictures" they are pulled out of their affectionate exchange by the photographer. They pose with so many people that Addison starts to feel overwhelmed and Derek calmly signals they have had enough.

"Just a few of you two," and the clicking continues. Addison feels her smile broaden as she daydreams about the life before her and that helps.

"Okay we're done," and thankfully Addison hands her flowers to her maid of honor and takes Derek's arm heading for the reception room for some food.

Part way through the meal, the chimes of glasses signal for a display of affection and she grins as her lips meet Derek's, she feels shamelessly eager.

"Well," Derek's eyes are laughing at her and she does blush a little bit. "I just can't get enough of you," it's true and he gently pushes a strand of her red hair back from her face.

"Same here" he leans in again and Mark lets out a loud groan.

"It's time for the first dance," the announcement startles her and Derek stands holding out his hand. She takes it rising to join her new husband. As he leads them towards the dance floor, he turns his head around to look backwards at her and his smile makes her whole body feel warm, she's amazed that her body hasn't started to glow a special heavenly light and she can't wait to be swept up in his arms.

End flashback

Addison stares at the two pictures, the first is the formal one where she is getting tired, but the second one, taken with a simple disposable camera on their table, somehow captured that three second glance and shows both their faces as they walked to the floor. The intense emotions of joy and love that dominate her memory when she thinks of that day are captured on film forever. She slowly puts the frame on her nightstand and goes to open another bottle of wine. It's perhaps a bit ironic that the picture was taken by Mark Sloan and that the frame containing the two pictures was his gift to them for their 10th wedding anniversary.

Flashback

"Sorry I'm late," he looks annoyed and hassled. Addison bites her tongue managing to stop the short retort.

"I'm glad you're here," and she is.

"Mark gave this to us as a gift," he puts it on the table and she wonders if he'll kiss her hello.

He glances at the menu, "do you know what you want," and her heart begins to break.

"Derek," her voice causes him to look up, "it's our night."

"Yeah, I'm sorry I'm late," he misses her point and she feels silly that she is still looking for him to acknowledge her. She can't explain out loud.

Dinner is a tense affair, not like she'd hoped, but he is here.

"This is for you," her heart leaps and he presents her with a slender box. The card is simple, "to my wife, love always Derek." The necklace is beautiful and she is grateful he didn't completely forget.

"Let's open Mark's," she is eager to see what the womanizer came up with.

He opens the card first.

"Derek and Addison, may each moment reflect what one lens captured so clearly. I'm not a professional, but with two, it clearly didn't matter. Best wishes Mark"

Derek raised his eyebrows, "right then."

He lets her open it sipping on his wine as he watches. When she sees the pictures she can't speak, they're stunning. She hands it to Derek feeling her stomach churn.

He stares as well, "wow," the pictures remind them simultaneously of a time exactly ten years ago as they walked to the dance floor.

Derek drains the rest of his wine and gently sets down his glass.

"Addie," she meets his eyes and sees for the first time emotion there that has been absent so long.

"Dance with me," and he stands holding out his hand. She takes it and they walk again to the floor.

End flashback

She remembers all the other gifts, but none of them were like Mark's. His pictures reminded them for a moment of their bond. That night was the last time she ever felt it. Time ran out shortly after that and her heart finished breaking.


	3. Just Friends?

"Addison?" Pete's voice startled her from her paperwork as she studied the chart of the young woman who was three months pregnant and who had checked into the resort with insomnia.

"Hi Pete," she smiled at him feeling guilty for being so distant. Hesitantly she stood and made her way over to him, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," he didn't need to know why she was apologizing.

"It's just," she stopped; he didn't need to hear the details.

"It's okay, if you need to talk," he meant it and she gazed at him feeling grateful for his friendship.

"Thank you," she whispered finally.

"I'll be around," he kissed her forehead and disappeared.

Addison sat back down at her desk and prepared her mental list of things to do that day. As she propped her feet up on the desk she could have sworn she heard a voice…

Flashback

"Is this a new thing," Addison looked up over her glasses to see her husband leaning against her doorway.

"I'm sorry?" She peered at him uncertainly.

"Putting your feet up and showing off way too much leg?" Derek was teasing she could tell, but Addison was relieved. Things had been so tense in the last few weeks.

"This is a surprise," she set her file down and padded across the carpeting of her office to give him a soft kiss which to her astonishment he returned.

"A surgery got cancelled; do you want to get dinner?" He was giving her his special look, gentle and caring and she swooned.

"Sure," she turned away to get her coat and close up her computer, she felt like a school girl. Even after ten years of marriage, Derek could make her melt.

He held his arm out to her as they left and she took it feeling like for once things were really going her way.

End flashback

Addison sighed, it seemed like days ago that she and Derek had their daily patterns down, breakfasts, rushed conversations; she often wondered if they would have been able to have children with their lifestyle. She had always wanted children.

Derek sighed to himself, another day at the hospital, hearing giggles he glanced behind him to see Meredith and Izzie standing there staring at a patient and his wife who were arguing. He was about to go over and tell them off when Miranda Bailey stepped in front of him, "I'll do it," she glared, "you look like you have other issues that would be wrapped up in a scolding."

Derek hesitated, "fine," he walked in the other direction and pulled out his cell phone heading for the roof.

"Hello," Addison had been outside talking to her patient and had just arrived to get her cell on the last ring.  
"And there I thought you didn't want to talk to me," Derek.

"Derek," she couldn't figure out what else to say.

"Hi Addie, I just wanted to call and apologize for being so short with you the other night."

"Oh Derek, don't worry about it, it is not a problem." She hoped she sounded as sure as she felt.

"I miss you sometimes too," she could feel the sad smile in his voice and felt a lump in her throat grow.

"Yeah," she whispered back.

"Can we stay in touch, just as friends, I miss talking with you," Derek hoped he didn't sound desperate.

"I'd like that," she hated to admit it.

"You were my best friend," and even though they were far apart and on different paths, she knew what he meant, she felt the same way.

"You were mine too," she hated losing him, hated that he wasn't next to her.

"Derek, if I knew how everything was going to turn out, I would have done it so differently," she wondered how he would respond.

"We both screwed up, but we have to move on." He sounded tired and she regretted saying anything.

"I know," she did, "it's just you and I are always going to have this history."

"It's true, but if we're going to stay friends, Mark and Meredith can't be a part of it," his voice sounded tense even mentioning them.

"Agreed," she felt a sense of relief thinking about how much easier it would be to talk to him without fearing a Meredith mention at any second.

"I have to go," he sounded apologetic, "I'm on the roof and I just got paged."  
"Bye," she hung up wondering what this would bring.

Meredith raised her head as her boyfriend walked down the hallways. She knew every single and possibly married woman, drooled over him, but he was hers. She ignored the flicker of questioning in her mind as she thought about that and walked towards him.

"Derek?" He stopped turning at her voice.

"Hey Mer," he had a smile, somewhat tired, but still a smile, as he greeted her.

"Dinner tonight?" she searched his eyes wondering where the spark had gone.

He ran his hands through his hair and over his eyes, "I have a surgery until nine."

"After that then," she smiled questioningly.

"Sure," he wanted her to leave him be suddenly with a passion that surprised him.

"Grey, get over here!" Meredith scampered towards Bailey who gave Derek a quick glare before he walked away.

Derek felt his emotions going haywire. He couldn't understand how he felt so lost since Addison left. His red-haired beautiful ex-wife had long ago lost her powerful influence over him. He had even hated her at times, but hating someone who you loved, married and spent eleven years with wasn't entirely easy.

He felt his entire body wracked with uncertainty. Addison wasn't his dream anymore, but that didn't mean she was erased from all his memories.

Flash back

"Hey," Derek glanced up at his friend Stan.

"Stan," he focused back on his chart.

"Damn, your wife is hot," that got his attention in a hurry.

He spun around warning Stan under his breath to stay away from Addison, but even that warning fizzled out as he watched his long legged stunning wife make her way towards him.

"Hey," she greeted him, "Stan," another nod.

"Hi Addison," he stammered, and Derek glared at him.  
"Bye Addison," he dashed away.  
"What's up with him," she gave Derek a quick kiss which he returned.

"He was staring at you," Derek responded.

Her laugh made him smile and get defensive.

"What?" He protested with a pout, "I can't be possessive?"

"It's just been a while," she observed.

He sighed, "Well I was a fool," he picked up his stuff in the locker room while she waited by the door.

"How was your day?" She looked like a goddess standing there, her elegant black skirt emphasized the legs that made people stare, her red hair was beautifully in place, her expensive shoes and classy blouse, perfect earrings and make-up made it seem as though she'd walked out of a magazine and not a 20 hour shift.

"How do you do it," he didn't answer her question.  
"Do what," she was rummaging through her purse looking for her phone which was just starting to ring.

"Look so god damn perfect," he couldn't stop staring and Addison met his gaze as she answered her phone with a small smile.

"Hey Mark," she continued to smile at him and she had a quick conversation that Derek barely heard and then she hung up.

"Let's go," she grinned at him giving him a quick wink and heading out the door.

Derek was right behind her.

End flashback

"Derek," it was Mark.

"Mark," he didn't turn around.  
"I miss her too," his voice made Derek annoyed but also relieved.

"Yeah," he couldn't think of another response.

"I know you think I don't deserve to miss her," Mark hesitated, "But I do."  
"Me too," Derek turned and brushed by him.

"She misses you too," Mark hesitated.

"How would you know that?" Derek felt a flash of irritation at the thought of Addison calling Mark.

Mark looked him straight in the eye, "because she's Addison and you're Derek."  
Derek bit back a sarcastic remark and broke away from Mark's gaze, "yeah, I have to get downstairs to a surgery."

Mark shook his head and followed wondering how so much drama could come from just two people


	4. Reluctant Return

"Richard there is no way." Addison felt a flash of dismay as her mentor's voice rang over the phone.

"Addison, I need you for this consult, you are still the best."

She felt her entire world going up in flames, "Richard," she tried to protest.

"Two days Addison, she's in need of good care, it's the daughter of a good friend of mine." A personal favor, god she hated those.

"I'll be there tomorrow," she closed her phone and her eyes at the same time.

"You looked stressed, need more acupuncture," a teasing voice interrupted her irritation.  
"Pete," she hesitated, "maybe I do."  
"Uh oh, you admit you need to let things go," he lost his smile as he walked in, "what happened?"

"I have to go back to Seattle to do a consult for Richard, it's a friend of his," she wanted to throw something.

"Addison!" Pete was not looking pleased.

"Pete please," she placed her hands on his chest imploring him with her eyes, "I don't want to do this either, don't make it harder. Richard's always been so good to me."

"Fine," Pete was practically scowling and if Addison wasn't so upset she might have laughed.

"I'll be back in two days," she headed for the door.  
"I'll have the table set up in my office," he called back after her.

"I really might need it," she muttered fighting a migraine as she headed for her car.

The next morning she was on a plane headed for Seattle Tacoma airport and she was nervous. She had left, that was over, Derek had been her past and now suddenly here she was going back. Richard was lucky he had been so good to her over the years; otherwise this would never have happened.

Three hours later she was standing outside Seattle Grace Hospital. She had been gone about two months. With a resigned sigh she walked through the front doors and bumped into Izzie Stevens.

"Dr. Montgomery," she looked shocked and actually delighted. Addison felt a slight flash of wistfulness, she rather missed the intern. No that would be resident, Addison corrected herself.

"Stevens, it's good to see you."

"Are you back?" Izzie sounded surprised and Addison hastily shook her head, "Consult for Richard."

Izzie smiled, "well it's good to see you, I've got interns to find," and she was off and running.

Addison made her way to Richard's office and she knocked waiting for his voice.

"Come in," she heard and she opened the door only to bump into her ex-husband.

Derek almost lost his breath where he was standing. She was standing in front of him looking as flustered as he felt. He always loved when perfect Addison looked like this, it was priceless because as someone who was so flawless, her humanity made her even more his.

"Addison, come in," the Chief's voice shocked her out of her staring and she smiled at him.

"Don't be a stranger," he urged and she glanced at Derek again, his eyes were still fastened on her form.

"Hi," she said softly not knowing what else to say.  
"You're here," he seemed in awe and she felt a flash of uncertainty, "just for a day or two."

"Longer if you don't come in," Richard's voice interrupted her thoughts again and she felt the urge to tell him to shut up but Addison Montgomery didn't say those things. Instead she stepped past Derek into the room, "ready for duty," she managed to ignore Derek's eyes.

"Shepard, are we done?" Richard's voice signaled it was time for Derek to leave and he nodded making his retreat hastily.

Derek watched his wife, no ex-wife, smiling and chatting with Richard. She looked amazing, California suited her.

"Derek," Meredith's voice reached his ears and as he turned towards her he heard her voice rise, "is that Addison?"

"Yeah," he hoped he sounded casual but judging from her frown he doubted it.

"What is she doing here," she would never fully trust Addison and he couldn't really blame her.

"Consult for Richard," he was glad he could answer.

"I was just wondering," her voice trailed off as she watched the redhead talk to the Chief.

"Dinner tonight at six," Derek hoped she would nod and leave. She glanced at him and smiled, "sounds good" then she was gone.

He heaved a sigh and went back towards the office.

"So you'll stay for the next two days then?" Richard sounded hopeful and Addison nodded.

She stood and headed for his door, opening it she almost hit Derek.

"What are you still doing here," she hissed closing the door softly.

"Waiting for you," and his smile almost made her heart stop.

"Derek," she started walking away and he followed her.

"Derek stop," she glared at him.

"Addie," her pet name, "I just wanted to know how you were. You look great."

Damn his charm, damn it to hell, "I'm fine," and she managed to make it sound real.

"Good," he hesitated, "I have a surgery to prep for," and then he was gone.

She rolled her eyes, she really despised him sometimes.

Flashback

"Oh Addie?" Derek's voice startled her from her charts and she managed a smile.  
"What is it Derek?" She tried to sound cheerful but she was sure she was failing.  
"What so snippy," he put his arms around her and she relented turning to face him and resting her forehead against his.

"I'm just tired," and she was.

"Okay, how about I take you home," she gave him sad eyes.

"I really wish you could, but I have charts to finish," she felt a flash of irritation.

"I'll go home, order dinner and see you soon," he flashed a special smile and despite her bad day she felt a flash of happiness.

Watching him walk away she couldn't help but feel giddy at the thought that she was his and he was all hers. She stared down at her clipboard suddenly feeling mentally clear.

Walking through her door an hour later she was greeted by the smell of her favorite Chinese food and a smiling husband. Married five years and in bliss, that was an accomplishment. She took the wine he offered her and sat down next to him on the couch slumping into his arms.

"Too tired to eat," he sounded concerned and she shook her head.

"I've just been waiting to do this all day," she admitted and he chuckled, "glad to be of service."

End flashback

Addison watched Derek walk down the hallway and could barely stop the flood of memories in her first weeks at Seattle Grace; he was always walking away from her, or Satan as he called her. She was better off in California, maybe even with Pete. With that thought firmly in her head she headed off to meet her patient.

Please review!!!


End file.
